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SCRIPT

"Hey baby want to come back to my parent's house? Eat some Kraft dinner, maybe watch a little TV?"~Dwayne (From D&UT:The Movie)

Read the preview script here! Just click on the word!

Preview Script

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(c) Derek Comeau and Mitch Alward, Red Hot BBQ Productions.

DWAYNE & UNCLE TEDDY

Episode II

F A N N Y P A Q

 

Comeau/Alward

1.May.2002

Star wars theme plays as the following paragraphs come up in slanted star wars fashion.

"After teaching many men worldwide how to pick up ladies, Dwayne & Uncle Teddy decided to travel the world for their search of the ultimate pick up line. Their adventure lead them to meet many people, and develop many skills.

A new group of so called skilled ladies men who call themselves the Chez, has brought upon a great disturbance, their leader Chez Lord Henry, and his apprentice Riky have threatened Dwayne & Uncle Teddys very image.

To aid this Dwayne & Uncle Teddy have located master Byron or "the legacy", who before going to jail was the most powerful ladies man ever known. Hopefully he can help complete their training and aid in their never ending quest for the power of true righteousness..."

Theres a record scratch and it shows Uncle Teddy sleeping on a lawn with Dwayne staring sternly at him.

EXT. BYRONS LAWN. DAY.

DWAYNE

Uncle Teddy wake up!

Uncle Teddy is lying down on a lawn, he opens his eyes wakes up and speaks.

UNCLE TEDDY

Huh? Oh hey Dwayne, how did i get here?

DWAYNE

Were going to Byrons house, i told you to wait here for me, lets go in.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. THE LEGACYS HOUSE. DAY

DWAYNE and UNCLE TEDDY are sitting with THE LEGACY and chatting with him about cars, chicks ect. This whole scene will be improvised. Byron will most likely be uncomfortable and there will be a lot of awkward silences with close ups of Byrons face. At some point Dwayne will make up a reason to leave and Dwayne & Uncle Teddy will leave and walk out of the house.

SCENE I- NASCAR DREAMS

EXT. STREET. DAY

DWAYNE

Hey Uncle Teddy did i tell you what I found the other day?

UNCLE TEDDY

What! What is it Dwayne? Did you find a tasty sausage for me to have a snack......with?

DWAYNE

Um.....no, I found my old sac, you know the one we use to play heat stroke with in your attic in the seventies when we were young? Yeah well its back at the house.

UNCLE TEDDY

What? Really?, Hey that reminds me how my nick name is Pooh bear, because i like to bother rabbit for things, except i like sausages instead of honey. My secretary down at the office today called me pooh bear,....

Uncle Teddy starts to do a little dance while he sings the pooh bear song.

DWYANE

Uncle Teddy, dont do that. ... you Dont have a job, and also you have been with me all day, so that's impossible.

UNCLE TEDDY

(skeptical)I dont know Dwayne, oh by the way thanks again for letting me stay at your parents house with you.

DWAYNE

Yeah, your welcome. So what are we going to do today?

UNCLE TEDDY

I dont know, i was thinking of maybe going down to the Barachois speedway. You know watch some NASCAR, pick up the ladies

DWAYNE

Yeah but i dont think we will be getting any ladies today Uncle Teddy.

UNCLE TEDDY

I know, but i like to watch. And sometimes sneak a peek! (giggles)

DWAYNE

(not impressed) ok well lets go and see Grieco to see if we can borrow his car.

UNCLE TEDDY

Okee Dokee just let me put on a clean shirt, (he pulls a shirt out of his fannypack that says "asianz for ever")

Dwayne sighs and looks down as if hes just accepted that Uncle Teddy is profoundly retarded. Uncle Teddy finishes and they continue on their way.

SCENE II- ROAD RULES

EXT. GRIECOS FRONT DRIVEWAY. DAY

UNCLE TEDDY

Hey i heard Grieco just got out of jail, what was he in for?

DWAYNE

Child molestation Uncle Teddy, don't you remember, you testified against him!

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh yeah, well i hope he doesn't have any hard feelings.

DWAYNE

Yeah, hey look! There he is.

UNCLE TEDDY

Whats he doing?

In this scene GRIECO washes his car in a very sensual way, licking the mirrors and kissing the hood while hotel California by the gypsy kings plays, at the end he starts humping the back of the car.

DWAYNE

(Interrupting) HEY Grieco what are you doing!?

GRIECO

What? WHAT!? Oh I see you are there whole time ah? Oh well Grieco was just washing the car, get the feeling of CLEAN on the car, what do you two pieces of shit want?

DWAYNE

Well we wanted to borrow the car so we could go see some NASCAR at the speedway.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah like we could get some peanuts, and some sausage and...ohhh

GRIECO

Yeah well this car is not going no where until it gets a check up. But I suppose if you two pezzi di asinos would go see Chet for me...

DWAYNE

Chet?

GRIECO

Yeah Chet "the Dynasty" Phillips, he will give you a check up free of charge hes my personal mechanic just let him check it and if he says its good to go then take it, i need to get a car with a bigger trunk anyway.

UNCLE TEDDY

Why? Going to Mexico this weekend? Kill some padres.(Pretends to shoot guns with his hands)

GRIECO

(laughs to himself almost under his breath) only if looks could kill Teddy, ...um anyway heres the keys I want her back in good shape this time, no off-road!

Grieco goes inside his house.

UNCLE TEDDY

OK well lets get this car to The dynasty.

DWAYNE

Lets go.

Get in Car and drive off

SCENE III- MAINTAINING THE DYNASTY

EXT. CHETS GARAGE. DAY

Car pulls up and parks in the driveway of the garage, Dwayne and Uncle Teddy get out.

UNCLE TEDDY

Hey LOOK!! A sausage stand, hey Dwayne i will be over at the stand if you need me.

DWAYNE

Yeah yeah yeah, thats fine just dont wander off.

Uncle Teddy scuttles off.

DWAYNE (CONTD)

(To Chet, CU. Chets face looking down tinkering with something, Dwayne in background) Hey I'm looking for Chet?

CHET

(Grins to himself and turns around and gets up) yeah I'm Chet,(walks over, shakes hand) they call me the dynasty.

DWAYNE

Yeah i heard, listen Ive got..(cut off)

CHET

Griecos car.

DWAYNE

...What?

CHET

You got Griecos car.

DWAYNE

Yeah how did you...

CHET

He called.

DWAYNE

Oh, well then I guess you know why were here.

CHET

Yeah i know why your here.

DWAYNE

Oh! So could you give it a check up?

CHET

(sizes Dwyane up)...(very nicely) yeah sure let me take a look.

Walks over to car and sizes the car up.

CHET (CONTD)

Oh what do we got here? (touching hood, and looking in car) full armor all protection sweet Italian leather grain seats, softened by locals chewing on pelts...making sounds.(laughs to himself) Tints and tunes subs and tweeters tints by design sunroof. Feeling every wind.

Plain good.. ohhhh that's rokkin.

DWAYNE

Umm yes...

CHET

lets take a look under the hood... WHOA... 20 inch custom, 4/1 ratio rotary, 1 and a quarters HP feeling every horsey, purring like a kitten rolling like a doobie.

Chet backs away like he cant believe his eyes.

CHET (CONTD)

WHOA platinum coated 1986 special edition electronic fuel injection , LE, LX models only, rare... real rare. Diamond in the rough.

Check out the manifold gasket, that must be new!

DWAYNE

I..I..I dont really know.

CHET

looks here like you missed your rust check appointment(laughs to himself), but it doesnt matter with a paint job like this whooo.... 3 coats of competition eggshell, nice gloss coated. Did you get that done at my shop?? looks like familiar handiwork...WHOA! Your radiator is takin a beating...

Hands Dwayne a radiator belt.

CHET (CONTD)

here ill give you this 2 wave , tri-fold mechanic belt for the fan rotation.. Itll give it an extra 78 or 79 RPM on this baby, that should cool her down.

Chet opens up the gas nozzle and smells.

CHET (CONTD)

whats this? Oh do I smell some methyl on the old octane reservoir. What have you been feeding her?

DWAYNE

I..I,I Dont know its not my car, gas?

CHET

(Rolls his eyes) yeah pfff! Hes probably been making her guzzle some cheap heptane, damn! This baby needs some High performance octane carbonate H2, not to mention some serious TLC...

DWAYNE

Oh TLC! (starts to say tender)

CHET

Yeah twin Lower Cams, actually make that racing cams (writes a note on his note pad)..do You hear what Im saying Dwayne?

DWAYNE

Not really..

CHET

You know what, Im going do something for you that i dont usually do, im gonna give you a free part, theres this new prototype i have been working on, i call it the flux capacitor, anyway im gonna install it for ya free of charge, how does that sound? Ehehe

Chet puts his hand on Dwaynes arm

DWAYNE

Dont touch me.

CHET

Hey no of course not, here I'll just put that part in for you, and you guys can be on your way.

Chet tinkers with the engine while Dwayne looks at his watch and sighs.

CHET (CONTD)

Ok well that should do it, hey Dwayne before you go i just want to give you some advice.

DWAYNE

Look Chet i really got to get....

CHET

let me tell you something about cars,I learned this after my 3rd divorce, you can tell any man by the car he drives, and also the customizations that it possesses....ok right now Dwayne, whats your favorite car, and I bet I can tell you everything about you. Cmon right now!

DWAYNE

Um ok....Camaro!

CHET

....CAMARO!? Thats it, thats like me asking what your favorite band is and you say music, you got to be a little more specific buddy, my GOD, ...CAMARO (mocking Dwaynes voice) Im going need to know year, color, edition, racing modifications, Decals, umm...whos driving it, what company its sponsored by, how fast its going, if its raining outside!!.. Come on!!

DWAYNE

Actually I think i have to go now, thanks Chet.

Dwayne walks to the car, as Chet works his way back to the garage.

CHET

Yeah well the car is good to go so.. see ya, ...(to himself as he walks back)Camaro!?.

Dwayne gets back in the car, and Uncle Teddy is already sitting in the passenger seat which startles Dwayne.

UNCLE TEDDY

So are we off?

DWAYNE

Yeah were off, lets get outta here.

SCENE IV- THE POWER OF THE SUNDANCE

EXT. QUIET HIGHWAY. DUSK

A long shot of the car driving down a long highway.

DWAYNE

I think were getting low on gas Uncle Teddy.

UNCLE TEDDY

OK I'll go check the trunk.

UNCLE TEDDY opens the door and jumps out. He hits the road and tumbles like a ragdoll.

DWAYNE

JESUS CHRIST UNCLE TEDDY!!!

DWAYNE hits the brakes and almost crashes the car.

DWAYNE backs the car up to where UNCLE TEDDY is lying on the street.

DWAYNE (CONTD)

Wait until the car stops before you get out!!

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh sorry, i thought we were parked.

DWAYNE

(staring at Uncle Teddy in amazement, then shakes his head) Just go look in the trunk.

Uncle Teddy gets up and goes over to the trunk and opens it. We see light shine on Teddy and wind blow his face as the trunk opens, and song #10 on cd2 of jc superstar plays. Uncle Teddy steps back.

UNCLE TEDDY

(in a high pitch childs voice) T..T..T..Ted Neeley!!!

We see Ted Neeley circa 1973 JC superstar attire, he is in the fetal position and tied up.

TED NEELEY

(In a high pitch Texan accent) Hello uncle Teddy, where am I? What year is it?

UNCLE TEDDY

Hmmm you sure are asking a lot of questions Ted Neeley, i better go get Dwayne.

Uncle Teddy walks around to the drivers side seat and gets Dwayne.

UNCLE TEDDY (CONTD)

Hey Dwayne look its Ted Neeley!

DWAYNE

Wha..what!, Oh hey it is Ted Neeley, but wait you look more like Ted Neeley circa 1973.

TED NEELEY

I am Ted Neeley circa 1973....wait what year is it?

UNCLE TEDDY

The year....was 1986, the bears had just won the superbowl, and I was.., Well lets just say that i was jammin Yolanda...

Dance Music starts to play and Uncle Teddy starts to dance, Dwayne looks around wondering where the music is coming from..

DWAYNE

(Hits Uncle Teddy, music stops) Stop doing that!!, Look Ted the year is 2002, apparently you were brought to the future through some sort of car that can go back to the future, and maybe it takes garbage for gas and...(Dwayne Checks in his back pocket) damn! No almanac.

TED NEELEY

.....How did you know all that?

DWAYNE

(very long pause)............what?

TED NEELEY

Uh, well, anyway your right, Chet and Grieco stole me from 1973 just for a quick second, but forgot to bring me back, this car, the sundance is special, it can travel through time, except i think they broke it, they had to order a part called the flux capacitor..

DWAYNE

Yeah! That was the part that Chet just put in.

TED NEELEY

Oh? Great!, that means this car can travel through time again.. look do you guys think you could bring me back to the past, i got a show soon, and its getting kind of late...

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah, i like your beard Ted Neeley...(laughs and then writes a note down in a memo pad)

TED NEELEY

Ummm thanks Uncle Teddy.

DWAYNE

OK you can stay in the trunk Ted, me and Uncle Teddy will get back in the car and figure out how to make it go back to the future.

TED NEELEY

OK but were not going to the future, were going to the past, also why cant i go in the car too?

DWAYNE

Well Ted i think we can both agree that having both of us in the car at the same time probably isn't a good idea, if you catch my drift.

UNCLE TEDDY

YEAH!! I catch your drift all right!! (high five)

TED NEELEY

Oh yeah, that's right, yeah i better stay in here, (closes trunk).

DWAYNE

So are you ready to go back to 1973 Uncle Teddy!?

UNCLE TEDDY

Were going back to 1973!!? how are we going to do that?

DWAYNE

...(sighs) Just get in the god damn car Uncle Teddy.

UNCLE TEDDY

OK!(starts to eat a sausage)

DWAYNE

What? Where did you get that?

UNCLE TEDDY

What?

DWAYNE

That sausage?

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh, i got it at the sausage stand.

DWAYNE

What sausage stand? Were on the side of the highway!

UNCLE TEDDY

No the one at the garage.

DWAYNE

What!? That was an hour ago!

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah i saved it, i put it in my pocket.

Camera tilts down to show uncle Teddys pocket which is so tight you wouldn't even be able to fit a dime in it.

DWAYNE

But how did you fit...(shakes head) ok well, lets get going.

They climb into the car.

DWAYNE (CONTD)

Now lets see, how does this work?

UNCLE TEDDY

I think you have to go 80 kph.

DWAYNE

80 kph! The sundance cant do that!!

UNCLE TEDDY

Well you know what Dwayne? Your just going to have to push it!, Your going to have to keep pushing it until you split this bitch up the rear!!!

DWAYNE

You know your right Uncle Teddy, lets do it, (starts car) ok here we go.

The car speeds ahead and disappears into a track of flames.

SCENE V- WORN OUT PLACES

EXT. DESERTED ROAD. DUSK

The car reappears but it is now 1973. Cuts to inside the car, Dwayne & Uncle Teddy look noticeably younger.

DWAYNE

OK we did it i think, (looks over at Uncle Teddy) Holy shit Uncle Teddy look at you, your young again.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah so are you, i guess were 18 again huh?

DWAYNE

Yeah i guess so. OK we better go see Ted.

They get out of the car and walk to the trunk and open it.

TED NEELEY

Hey! It worked great ok drive me to the theatre.

UNCLE TEDDY

You got it Ted.

Closes trunk. They get back in the car and drive off.

They arrive at the theatre and get out and open the trunk.

DWAYNE

OK now what Ted?

TED NEELEY

Well you guys can go in and get a seat, tell them Ted sent you, and I'm going to go in the back and get ready to start the show.

UNCLE TEDDY

OK Ted i guess well see you in the show then.

Dwayne & Uncle Teddy leave, Ted walks in back door. He gets in the building and there is no one in the building except a janitor, he approaches the Janitor.

TED NEELEY

Excuse me, but where is everyone? There's supposed to be a show tonight.

JANITOR

A show? If your talking about Jesus Christ superstar there hasn't been a show for 2 months, ever since their lead disappeared.

TED NEELEY

(to himself) Disappeared. Well there is going to be a show tonight! I'm not gone, I'm right here!!

JANITOR

Well the cast IS gone. theres no one here!

TED NEELEY

....well Ill do it by myself.

Ted storms off, Mad World by Gary Jules starts, the camera pulls in to the janitors face as he looks sympathetically as Ted storms away, then he frowns and looks down.

The song continues as a shot of Dwayne & Uncle Teddy sit down in there seats, there is no sound but the song and everything is slowed down to the pace of the song. A shot of the stage as the curtains open and then a spot light appears on Ted, he will start to move around going through the scene, multiple shots of him from on stage performing in slow motion, then a close up of him looking into the bright light into the audience, and we see his face expression change slowly into a very depressed look, it cuts to the audience,it is completely empty only Dwayne & Uncle Teddy almost as specs sit in the middle of the theatre, cuts back to Ted as a single tear rolls down his face and he stops performing and sits in the middle of the stage and buries his face into his lap, cuts to close up of D&UT sitting there emotionless, cuts to Ted camera circling him as he sits alone on stage, cuts to janitor mopping he looks up then looks away, shakes his head and continues mopping, cuts to Ted he gets up and walks off the stage, cuts to D&UT they look at each other and then look away, cuts to Ted looking at himself in his makeup mirror, camera pulls in and then dissolves into a shot of Ted walking down a street,its night and wet, he steps in puddles as he walks down and then opens a door on a house and goes in. Music stops.

SCENE VI- NEELEY GOES TO BED.

INT. TED NEELEYS HOUSE. NIGHT

Uncle Teddy is watching TV laying on a couch, Ted comes through a door in the background and puts his coat on a rack.

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh hey Ted, where have you been?

TED NEELEY

What!? Oh your here Uncle Teddy? Wheres Dwayne?

UNCLE TEDDY

Dwayne is working on the sundance so we can get back to the present, hey do you want to watch some TV with me?

TED NEELEY

Yeah sure whats on?

UNCLE TEDDY

I dont know, lets watch and find out.

TED NEELEY

OK.

Tv show comes on, its coronation street

UNCLE TEDDY

Hey its Coronation Street! I love this show

TED NEELEY

(Gives Uncle Teddy a weird look then walks away)

Im not watching this shit.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah whatever man, this is like the best show to watch on a sunday night, (starts to drift then falls asleep, camera dissolves into Teddy's dream)

SCENE VII- ZZZZZZZZ

The opening of Coronation street starts, then cuts to UT sitting at a table in a restaurant (Zellers family restaurant). Dwayne walks up and sits with him. All of the dialogue is spoken with shoddy british accents.

DWAYNE

Oh hello Teddy sorry im a little Tardy.

UNCLE TEDDY

S'all right, what will you be having?Tea?

DWAYNE

Oh yes that would be superb, thank you.

UT gives him a cup of Tea.

UNCLE TEDDY

So have you heard what happened to Peter and Margeret?

DWAYNE

Oh no, nothing dreadful I hope.

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh no, nothing of that sort, well I was looking at them through my window and I saw Peter and Margaret arguing.

DWAYNE

Oh, your kidding (sips tea)

UNCLE TEDDY

No, and thats not even the half of it.

DWAYNE

Mmm, go on.

UNCLE TEDDY

Well it seems that Peter had bought the wrong cleaning solution.

Dwayne gasps and covers his mouth.

UNCLE TEDDY (cont.)

Oh yes, I guess he had purchased a bottle of spic & span, for her to use.

DWAYNE

Oh I cant use spic & span, it burns my hands.

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh, me too (sips Tea)

DWAYNE

MmmHmm (sips tea)

Multiple close ups of them sipping tea making annoying sip noises.

Cuts back to reality, Uncle Teddy is talking in his sleep, Dwayne walks in and stares at him.

UNCLE TEDDY

....Would you like some more Tea and crumpets?

Dwayne looks at the camera then looks back down and shakes his head.

DWAYNE

Hey, come on, get up Uncle Teddy I got the car working...

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh! hmm what? Oh i just had the best dream.

DWAYNE

Yeah I bet, wheres Ted Neeley?

UNCLE TEDDY

I think he went to bed.

DWAYNE

Oh ok, well we should get going now.

UNCLE TEDDY

Wait! i have to tell you something.

DWAYNE

What?

UNCLE TEDDY

I brought some things with us from the future, you know incase we had to party.

DWAYNE

Like what?

UNCLE TEDDY

Well these.

Uncle Teddy pulls out a boat magazine and a box of beer.

Kenny Loggins caddyshack theme starts to play.

DWAYNE

Hmmmm...Well i guess we dont have to leave *right* now.

We see a closeup of two beer bottles hitting each other, followed by a montage of Dwayne & Uncle Teddy doing drunk things,

ie. playing with a microphone, peeing on Ted Neeley, dancing drunk, taking pictures of Uncle Teddy puking, playing with a bra,

and snorting bbq sauce.

INT. TED NEELEYS HOUSE. MORNING

Dwayne and Uncle Teddy are lying on the floor amidst what appears to be hundreds of beer bottles.

Dwaynes watch beeps and he wakes up, realizing that its morning. He gets up rubs his face and looks around.

DWAYNE

Oh shit! Uncle Teddy wake up! We gotta go now!

UNCLE TEDDY

Wha...what? Oh ok then lets go. Where are we going?

Camera Zooms in to Dwaynes face.

DWAYNE

...Back..to The future!

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah ok but what happens if we dont?

DWAYNE

Im not sure, something probably happens though.

The rest of this dialogue is improvised.

EXT. NEELEYS DRIVEWAY. MORNING

UNCLE TEDDY

OK so you say that the car is fixed?

DWAYNE

Yeah come on get in.

They get in car and drive off.

SCENE VIII- TOPSY TURVY

EXT. ABANDONED ROAD. DAY.

Cuts to them arriving back to the present with fire trail.

Cuts to inside the car, Dwayne & Uncle Teddy look completely different; their mustaches are gone, their hair is shorter and slicked, and their wearing nice clothes.

DWAYNE

Well i guess it worked, hey my voice (looks over at UC) oh for Christ sake!

UNCLE TEDDY

Uh oh, hey my voice too! Wait look at you Dwayne, you look so young and stylin.

DWAYNE

Yeah so do you, what the hell happened? This doesnt make any sense, we safely brought back Ted Neeley without changing anything.

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh yeah guess what? Ted Neeley killed himself.

DWAYNE

What!? How? When did this happened?

UNCLE TEDDY

(looking through his pockets, finds his wallet)Last night..err.in 1973, yeah you passed out, then he went into the washroom and slit his wrists, yeah i thought he was joking, but he wasnt.

DWAYNE

Why the hell didnt you tell me this? Do You know what this means?

UNCLE TEDDY

(not really paying attention)

Hey look, my drivers license says im 20!

DWAYNE

You have a drivers license!?

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah and my wallet is full of cash!

DWAYNE

Wow! Uncle Teddy do you know what this means?

UNCLE TEDDY

Time to go to BJs?

DWAYNE

No, it means that because Ted Neeley died, our lives changed so that in 2002 were now young and rich and stylin.

UNCLE TEDDY

Hey! Thats a neat magic trick. Wow im probably not even an Uncle anymore.

DWAYNE

Yeah probably not...Teddy.

UNCLE TEDDY

Hey, call me Tedward.

DWAYNE

(silence) OK , come on lets go see our house.

OMC- How Bizarre starts, Dwayne puts the car into drive and they drive off.

Multiple shots of the car driving through the city, Dwayne & Uncle Teddy thoroughly enjoying themselves. Song fades away.

SCENE IX- TYING THE WEBB.

INT. SUNDANCE. DAY.

Uncle Teddy is looking through his window.

UNCLE TEDDY

You know Dwayne, thinking back, maybe we should have stayed in the past.

DWAYNE

No uncle teddy, we dont belong there....not anymore.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah i know but we would have had our whole lives ahead of us again.

DWAYNE

(smirks) Yeah we could have lost our virginity all over again.

Uncle Teddy looks over at Dwayne then looks back nervously.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah and like go to college and stuff too.

DWAYNE

College? Why would you want to go there? All they do is brainwash you.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah.

DWAYNE

(looks over at Uncle Teddy and notices hes still thinking about it)...(sighs)Look Teddy let me tell you a little story, a story you probably never heard, i once knew a guy who could have been a great bowler could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and some practice, he decided to go to college instead, he went for 4 years, did pretty well, at the end of his 4 years, it was his last semester, he was kicked out, you know what for? He was night bowling, just bowling at night...with the 13 year old daughter of the dean.

UNCLE TEDDY

(Chuckles)

DWAYNE

You know who that guy was Teddy?

UNCLE TEDDY

No.

DWAYNE

Take one good guess.

UNCLE TEDDY

Bill Murray?

DWAYNE

(Chuckles to himself as he shakes his head) No, that guy was Mitch Reynolds, an old roomate of mine, nice guy...hell of a bowler.

Dwayne looks back at the road and continues driving.

Shot of the car driving past the camera.

SCENE X- COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

INT. SUNDANCE. NIGHT.

Dwayne is driving the car, he looks over at Uncle Teddy, he is sleeping, the camera pulls into Teddys face and a transition brings us into Teddys dream.

EXT. PARK. DAY.

Dwayne & Uncle Teddy are walking in the park.

UNCLE TEDDY

Hey Dwayne look a sausage stand! Can we please get some?

DWAYNE

(sighs, looks in his wallet.) Ok.....only one!

UNCLE TEDDY

Hoorah hoorah!, Retourner la coupe a Ratyville!

DWAYNE

Yes, yes i know, now come on, lets hurry before it closes.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yes mam!

DWAYNE

(rubs his forehead and sighs)

Two "ski-doo jacket" guys, are extremely dirty, and rokkin walk toward Dwayne & Uncle Teddy, they are RIKY & HENRY.

RIKY

Hey Henry look what we got here. Looks like a couple of fags.

Dwayne & Uncle Teddy freeze in their tracks.

HENRY

Yeah that's right, were talking to you! Come on Riky lets scrap them.

RIKY

I got a better idea.

Riky walks close to Dwayne & Uncle Teddy, Henry follows.

RIKY (CONTD)

Thats a nice hat.

UNCLE TEDDY

Dont even think about it!

HENRY

Hey look! A large object!

Dwayne & Uncle Teddy turn around.

DWAYNE & UNCLE TEDDY

Where!?

Henry steals Uncle Teddys hat. Riky and Henry run into the forest.

UNCLE TEDDY

Hey there's no large object...Hey wait a sec, they ran into that forest. Lets go get them.

Henry and Riky stop by a tree and catch their breath. Dwayne & Uncle Teddy run up in front of them.

UNCLE TEDDY (CONTD)

OK hand it over wise guys!

HENRY

Fine!(throws hat at UT) it doesn't matter now, the sausage stand is closed.

Camera pulls into Uncle Teddys face as we see him change into "pissed off mode". Duel of the fates by John Williams starts.

UNCLE TEDDY

...(Enraged) Now You have crossed the line! Prepare for the fight of your life.

Uncle Teddy pulls out a lightsaber.

HENRY & RIKY

What the?...

DWAYNE

Uncle Teddy, just let it go, there not worth it.

UNCLE TEDDY

Silence!

Uncle Teddy uses the force to push Dwayne down.

DWAYNE

Hey!, Dont use that force bullshit on me.

Dwayne flips up, and pulls out a lightsaber.

DWAYNE (CONTD)

OK then, fine, i guess we'll fight them.

Riky and Henry look at each other, then pull out their lightsabers, and walk toward Dwayne & Uncle Teddy.

The fight starts off slow, Dwayne fights Riky and Uncle Teddy fights Henry. After a little bit, Henry and Riky run and flip into the air and land and then keep fighting, this time extremely fast. After some complex fighting, Riky runs and Dwayne chases him, Riky runs vertically up a tree and flips behind Dwayne and stabs him in the back.

DWAYNE (CONTD)

Awwww, that hurts so much, it burnt my insides. You asshole.

Dwayne turns around and stabs Riky in the throat. Riky dies.

DWAYNE (CONTD)

(clutching his stomach)Ahh son of a bitch! God damn this hurts, Uncle Teddy im sorry but i cant go anymore, youll have to finish him. Jesus Christ this is painful!

Dwayne lies down and moans.

Uncle Teddy and Henry continue fighting, at some point Uncle Teddy gets an advantage and breaks Henrys lightsaber, Henry falls down and backs away, Uncle Teddy lets out a rebel yell and strikes at Henrys Neck full force. Just before it cuts Henrys head off Uncle Teddy wakes up.

SCENE XI- THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

INT. SUNDANCE. DAY.

The sundance pulls into the driveway of an extremely upper class house.

UNCLE TEDDY

(looking around) hey where is it?

DWAYNE

Where is what?

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh wait, nevermind (rubs eyes). Hey where are we?

DWAYNE

Well according to the address on my license, this is our house.

UNCLE TEDDY

What happened to the trailer?

DWAYNE

No were rich remember?

UNCLE TEDDY

Oh yeah.

DWAYNE

Well lets go in then.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yes perhaps.

They start to walk toward the door when it opens and two hot ladies walk out, they are ROXANNE & YOLANDA: Dwayne & Uncle Teddys wives.

YOLANDA

Well its about time, where have you two been?

DWAYNE

Look Uncle Teddy! Women are in our house.

UNCLE TEDDY

Those arent just any women, there Roxanne and....(whispers)Yolanda.

DWAYNE

Hey,High school sweethearts...right on!

Dwayne & Uncle Teddy walk up to them.

DWAYNE (CONTD)

What are you fine ladies doing here?

ROXANNE

What do you mean?, Were your wives, where have you two been?

UNCLE TEDDY

Cant remember, also which one of you is mine? I would assume the one with a black eye, but neither of you have one so i just dont know.

YOLANDA

Well actually I'm your wife Uncle Teddy.

UNCLE TEDDY

(looks over at Dwayne) You know Dwayne, theres something about what she just said that makes me feel pretty good inside.

DWAYNE

You mean the fact that she called you uncle Mmm hmm, yeah I felt it to, i mean with regards to my..um..yes well, if you would excuse us ladies me and your Uncle Teddy here have to talk, well be right back.

ROXANNE

Ok, but hurry back soon, Baby back ribs and cold brewskies for supper.

Dwayne Quivers. The ladies go inside.

DWAYNE

We owe Ted Neeley big time.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah but what should we do Dwayne? I mean, we could go back and fix everything, make Ted not kill himself.

DWAYNE

Yeah but then what? Then we go back to our old depressing lives, i think maybe we should just stay here.

UNCLE TEDDY

Yeah i was hoping you would say that, even though were a lot cleaner and young and have hot wives somehow, um i forget what my point was Dwayne but let me just tell you something...

DWAYNE

What?

UNCLE TEDDY

Are our wives hot or what!?

DWAYNE

Yeah, dont have to tell me twice.

High five. Continue walking, awkward silence.

DWAYNE (CONTD)

So..ah..is This the end of Dwayne & Uncle Teddy?

UNCLE TEDDY

Perhaps, but i dont think so, (stops walking) in fact (looks at camera) i think you will be seeing Dwayne & Uncle Teddy again.

DWAYNE

(looking at camera.) Yeah REAL soon.

UNCLE TEDDY

And we will come at the time when you least expect it, and make you extremely uncomfortable.

DWAYNE

So uncomfortable in fact that the pain will be quite unbearable.

UNCLE TEDDY

But until that time comes, you are safe, but heed warning, when we return after we complete our training from master Byron we will be more powerful than a dozen legacies. (Breathing heavily and licking his lips.)

DWAYNE

Wait what are you talking about?

UNCLE TEDDY

Umm you know like...the Chez lords..and um, (deep voice) THE VALLEY OF THE JED-I ..ah..

DWAYNE

I think your scaring them Uncle Teddy.

Camera spins 180 degrees to reveal a group of children extrememly frightened, one of them pulls up a cell phone to her ear.

CHILD A

Hello? 911?

Camera pans back around to reveal Dwayne and Uncle Teddy already running away down the road. Abercrombie and fitch starts to play as the screen fades to black, some titles come up, When the song peaks for the first time, screen opens up with Dwyane & Uncle Teddy driving down main street with yellow sunglasses, mullet pontails, Eurotrash attire, drinking iced cappuccinos, they are bobbing with the music and pointing at ladies, the song ends and they drive off into the sunset. Star Wars circle transition into ending credits.

The End

 

 

 

 

 

 

KEY CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS

Dwayne "The Legend"- Mid 40s, Frail man, with longish hair slicked to the side. Large mustache and pedophile glasses. Wears a tight malice shirt and stone washed jeans.

Uncle Teddy "The Dynasty"- Mid 40s, overweight man with mullet. Slightly smaller mustache than Dwayne and wears 80s sport paraphernalia with even tighter stone washed jeans and a baseball style cap.

Ted Neeley- Go watch Jesus Christ Superstar.

Chet "The silhouette" Phillips- Fast talking, gum chewing mechanic with an eye for detail. Slicked back greasy hair under a backwards hat. Razor type sunglasses, fu manchu, and side burns. Wears a 1 piece mechanic style jump suit with a patch that says his name.

Grieco- Convicted child molester, now spends his time washing his car and occasionally smuggling goods over the border. Very Italian and has a short temper. Doesn't wear a shirt and wears sweatpants and has a short neat mustache with slicked back hair. Has a personal vendetta against Uncle Teddy.

Master Byron "The Legacy"- Taught Dwayne & Uncle Teddy everything they know. Was convicted of sexual interference with a minor, and after that retired practicing his art and only took on journeymen. Now lives alone and survives by petty theft from the local green gables. There is a rumor that he and Grieco had some sort of alliance in the forming of the trade, but some say that with Chets creation of the flux capacitor he and Grieco framed and blackmailed him for his black book.

Henry- A chez Lord. Was once an apprentice of The Legacy, but when the legacy went to jail, Henry was taken under the wing of Chez Master Ronnie; the leader of the chez. After completing his training Henry challenged Ronnie for control of the Canadian Tire parking lot and won, thus obtaining him the title of Chez Lord.

Riky- A child prodigy born from Rhonda; Ronnies mother. Excelled as a ski-doo pilot and was took on as an apprentice by Henry. Legend has it that Riky is one of Ronnies sons, which would also make him his brother.

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